Monday, May 12, 2014

We had a deal!!!

The Internet is officially dead. Here are the three things that killed it for me.

1. Google. When they changed their algorithm a few years back, they made it so that corporate links rose to the top. Instead of returning relevant results, the first page is always something to do with selling me crap. Search "oracle" and you get the shitty company that stole the name from the mythology. Complain all you want about people gaming the previous algorithm with SEO, but at least you got what you were searching for instead of a sales pitch.

2. Net Neutrality R.I.P. Ever since the courts rolled over and shamefully showed the bandwidth companies their bellies, I have to reduce my online video sizes--across all services--by a third or get terrible lag times. I am now watching on a screen smaller than the 13" black-and-white TV I had as a kid. I'm surprised I'm not charged extra for color. Progress.

3. Hulu. You idiots; we had a deal. I watch your stupid commercials, you get your precious money and I get to watch for free. I even put up with the moronic 8 day and 30 day waiting periods, like a chump. And what do you do? You go and change the game! You pull the last two episodes of Suits without airing them or offering explanation. I kept up my end of the bargain; you should keep up yours. It's like you want me to stream shows illegally. It's like you want to punish me for being honest. It's like you're trying to make me go outside and play in the street.