Thursday, January 30, 2014

My Super Important Super Bowl Predictions

Let’s face facts: As a 3-time Fantasy Football Champion, I am pretty much overqualified to weigh-in on the Super Bowl. But the people want what the people want, so, like Marshawn Lynch, I will begrudgingly break my silence and face the media.
1.     The announcers will mention the weather 830,462 times. Drink!
2.     On the first real play*, Peyton Manning** will throw a pass over Richard Sherman*** to Demaryius Thomas for a touchdown****. This play will make everyone who hated Sherman’s post-game antics feel justified, thus ending the whole stupid debate.
3.     Demaryius Thomas won’t catch another pass the rest of the game*****.
4.     Somebody at your viewing party will confuse Demaryius Thomas with Julius Thomas.
5.     The first time Marshawn Lynch touches the ball he won’t score a touchdown.
6.     That’s because he’s going to run 99 yards, lateral to Doug Ballwin, who will then lateral back to Marshawn for the touchdown******.
7.     Every time Peyton Manning throws an incomplete pass, the cameras will cut to Eli Manning drinking apple-tinis in some luxury box. Drink!
8.     The puppies-to-babies ratio for all of the Super Bowl commercials combined will be 7:2.
9.     The Seahawks will be called for a phantom penalty. Drink!
10. The total number of products advertised during the Super Bowl purchased by Americans after watching said Super Bowl will be 84.
11. Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers will lip sync the halftime show. Drink!
12. Morbid fact: Is it bad that I’m glad that Nirvana will never play a Super Bowl halftime show? It is, isn’t it? And sad. But kind of glad, right?
13. Fun fact: Someone at your viewing party will be punched in the face after mentioning Tim Tebow*******.
14. Actual Fun Fact: Only Denver’s TE, Joel Dreesen (Colorado State), and Seattle’s WR, Jermaine Kearse (Washington********), actually attended colleges in their respective states.
15. Seattle will be called for its 294th phantom penalty by the middle of the third quarter.
16. Dennis Miller will streak the field. Drink!
17. At the two-minute warning in the fourth quarter, the game will be within 2. The team with the ball will drive down the field and kick a field goal for the “win”.
18. If it’s the Seahawks, there will be a flag on the play and they will miss the subsequent attempt.
19. If it’s the Broncos and they make it: game over.
20. If it’s the Broncos and they miss, there will be a flag on the play and they will make the subsequent attempt.
21. Unless Richard Sherman blocks it. At which point Erin Andrew’s head will explode.

*Kick-offs are a joke
**Eli Manning’s older, Super Bowl ring-deficient brother
***The second greatest show on turf
****Karma’s a bitch, Rich
*****You really think Sherman’s giving up 2 TDs?
*******You know who you are
********Go Dawgs!

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Squalor has a new flavor. What happens next will amaze you.

Don't let the festive packaging fool you--not a party in every pouch.
I recently dined at a ramen-themed food truck and immediately became nostalgic for the classic college staple that helped build, nay, sculpt my body into the temple it is today*. That food truck ramen was delicious. This Mexican-"Oriental"** hybrid, nay, confluence of flavors was ... interesting.

Let's look at the superlatives:
1. Hot & Spicy. There was a little zest and it was temperature hot. Did I have to mop any beaded sweat from atop my bald head? No.
2. 0% Trans Fat. I'll give the benefit of the doubt since there isn't much cost-cutting room in a 20-cent item, right?
3. Picante. I assume this is a red and/or green pepper of Mexican and/or Southwest origin? I saw some red flakes, so YES!
4. Chicken. No.
5. Picante Chicken. Now that would be interesting! I picture a chicken wearing some sort of festive shirt with ruffled sleeves. I promised amazing and I delivered!

Let's look at the scorecard:
Taste: Check.
Value: Yes!
Superlatives: The best!
Trans fat: No!
Nutritious: Questionable.
Ill: Surprisingly, no.
Regret: None.
Recommend: Sure.

*That image in your mind ... you're welcome.
**Seriously, STILL one of the names of the flavors.

A day in the life of a recently unemployed guy as seen by his neighbors who don't know the situation.

Settle down, people.

My one time arch-nemesis and sometime friend ...

... was interviewed and said some sort of interesting stuff.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

"You can't out science me, Tad" - Paul

But can I out science-fiction*? 

A friend** told me recently about a process where people are having their cremated ashes turned into diamonds. Furthermore, said diamonds were mainly a blueish tint, but could change depending on what they had eaten or if they had chemo-therapy.

To me, that premise could make for a gruesome sci-fi murder mystery, where a killer finds victims to turn into ten different shades of diamond rings for their ten fingers***.

*First time use as a verb? Probably not.
**That Paul Guy
***Does not rhyme with Pandarian