Monday, March 17, 2014

GTA Photo Journalism

A buddy of mine convinced me, after much reluctance on my part, to buy the mature-themed video game GTA V. While the single player version of the game is probably fun and all, he and I have only been playing the online version and it's pretty amazing. The game takes place in a fictional Los Angeles and it's ridiculously expansive: Oceans, mountains, jet fighters, you name it. One of the best features is a fake Instagram app in the game that lets you take photos and selfies using various filters to post to friends. Most of the pictures are of questionable subject matter--dead people, explosions, strippers--or selfies in front of cars, dead people and strippers. Like I said: (im)mature.

Therefore, being the subversive I am, I thought it would be funny to take more artsy photos within the game. Enjoy.

a-MAZE-ing, right?

Not all of the bodies are idealized.

Ah, the old "floating bottle" trick

This isn't by me. It's of "me" getting tagged by a truck. Photo credit: Sparkels.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

2 Negative

My last two blog posts have been somewhat negative regarding two products that have an ostensible market. Instead of adding a few drips of vitriol with a dropper, I seem to have knocked over the bottle and saturated the page.

Therefore, as a counterbalance, I want to share a slightly more joyful story. Or a creepy one. You decide!

I had a fever dream--okay, not off to a great start--of a woman I had met on a backpacking trip a lifetime ago. For some reason her name popped into my head.

Even though she is from a country halfway around the world and speaks a different language, I figured I search for her all the same.

My first result came up nil. However, the search engine suggested a similar name. I clicked the link and it brought up search results for a pornographic film actress. This at once shocked me, titillated me and made me imagine a scenario where our brief, platonic encounter had gripped her with such desire--both compelling and vacuous--that no amount of meaningless on-screen intercourse would ever make her whole.

Like I said: fever dream.

That lead being a dead-end, I tweaked my spelling and discovered a few photos of her. Or in common parlance: Google stalked her. From the brief snap-shot I gathered, she is well, still in her country of origin and actually works in film--on the other side of the camera in a non-pornographic capacity.

In the future our past will always be revealed in our present. 

Monday, March 10, 2014


Whilst watching some free quality programming, I saw a toilet paper commercial featuring a cheeky lady with an accent. Well, I thought it was for toilet paper; it was and it wasn't. The commercial was for the Cottonelle Care Routine--regular old toilet paper coupled with moist cleansing wipes. Something smelled.

Now I probably overuse the word reprehensible** on this site. You might even find my use of the word to be reprehensible. But that's what I feel about this strategy set forth by Cottonelle.

Why? Because it's attempting to create demand where there is none. Sure, some people out there might need to use moist cleansing wipes, but that's the operative word: need. No person with regular bowel movements, an adequate intake of fiber and who is generally in good health needs to use and flush another product, especially one laden with chemicals, into the water supply. One could make an argument that we as a society already use too much toilet paper as it is.

But I wanted to be sure I understood the commercial correctly, so I went to the product site. Crap.

Yes, this is a "routine". Also, there were a surprising number of reviews from "consumers". Like this erudite 5-star review.

Cottonelle's new combo care routine is the da bomb! I have always used Cottonelle toilet paper but had not tried it with the new wipes. The Cottonelle Fresh Care Flushable Cleansing Cloths are the perfect compliment to my Ultra Comfort Care toilet paper. I was happy that the wipes did not clog up my septic and I liked the sleek refillable dispenser because it did not take up much room.

Nice try, Marketing Executive. I love the first line--so casual. You even drop a "wipes" into the second line. That's cool. So why call the product out by its full name? And the specific name of toilet paper? Ultra Comfort Care is da bomb!

I know the general public. I love the general public. But they write like crap and can't spell for shit***. Here's the review as if a real person had written it.

Yer new combo thing is the da shit****! LOL. I <8 Cottonele toilet paper but had not tried it with the new wipes. I LOVE THEM!!!! SO GOOD. An they didnt clog up my turlet and the box fit on my shelf. PLEASE SEND ME FREE ONES!
Ah, much better. Feels almost ... refreshing.

*I don't usually swear on this blog, but the wordplay sums up my opinion aptly. 
**My review of Katy Perry's Roar being a prime example.
***Again, sorry. 
****Hey, it's true.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

"Drunk in Love" was written by drunk people.

How can the couple behind the sublime and catchy "Crazy in Love"* write such an unintelligible song as this? Beyonce doing some sort of pseudo-spoken word/rapping thing? Who thought that was a good idea? Pepsi? And Jay-Z using the same old flow as every other album? More like Jay-ZZZZZZZZZZ. I'm sorry, you used up all your boring on Magna Carta Holy Grail, which was more like College Thesis Blog Post--Overwrought, too self-important and lacking in toe-tapping hit singles**. There is only one explanation behind the song and that is that the song title is literal. Beyonce and Jay-Z split a bottle of wine to get hammered, sang into their smartphones, accidentally emailed the recording to their agent and said agent was too much of a yes-person to tell them that it sucked.

Guys, please stop. You're taking away valuable air time away from people who actually care about making music that's fun to listen to, like Ke$ha. Okay, maybe more like Pharrell. More "Marilyn Monroe" and less "Drunk on Power", please.

*Hi, Dez.
**To be fair, I'm more of a Kanye fan.

Ukraine is not weak ...

Ukraine is most of my readership. Why? Why not???

For some reason my words really seem to resonate with the Ukrainian people. Perhaps they like book reviews and half baked blog posts? Or they have a penchant for Mr. Dog-Turd Hand comics (which are on their way, I promise)? Regardless, I throw my support behind their latest efforts at freedom and sovereignty from an aggressive foreign power. And if there is a book published about it, I'll try my best to review it.