Monday, December 3, 2012

Killing Maybe.

The holidays are a celebratory time when friends and family send out Evites and Facebook invites for parties of varying levels of faith and camaraderie. And if you’re like me, then you’ve probably clicked on the “maybe” option.

“Maybe” (henceforth without the quotation marks) is crap. Why is this even an option?

Maybe I’ll answer your generous and thoughtful invitation to me by creating more stress for you?
Maybe you should buy enough food and drink for me in case I maybe do or maybe don’t stop by?
Maybe I’m a dick and just want to cause more work for you with my uncertainty?
Maybe I drunkenly groped your best friend’s roommate’s cousin and I’m waiting to see whether or not she’s going to attend first?
Maybe I don’t really want to attend and think that saying maybe is a valid if woefully misguided way of doing that? Maybe?

The only time maybe is acceptable is if you need a little time to figure out if you can attend. Like you’re having lunch with a friend and they ask, “Hey, can you come to my party next Saturday?” If you don’t know if you have next Saturday available and need to do a little research, then saying, “Maybe. Let me check my calendar/with my spouse/with my parole officer and get back to you,” is perfectly fine.

Otherwise, just say either, “yes” or “no”. If something comes up that changes your situation, then you can always contact the person to determine next steps. For instance, “Hey, it looks like I can attend after all. Is that invitation still open?” To which they might reply, “Heck, no. You groped my best friend’s roommate’s cousin on the veranda.” Either way, you’ve given the host the most important thing of all: the information they need to throw the best party possible.

Because you should realize by now that:

Maybe is like farting in an elevator when there’s only one other person and not saying, “excuse me”.
Maybe is the equivalent of your parent’s disappointment in you when they find your stash.
Maybe is finding out Santa is real and he’s dating your sister.
Maybe is the awkward half hug, half kiss at the end of a date.
Maybe is locker room nudity.
Maybe kills puppies.