Let’s face facts: As a 3-time Fantasy Football Champion, I
am pretty much overqualified to weigh-in on the Super Bowl. But the people want
what the people want, so, like Marshawn Lynch, I will begrudgingly break my
silence and face the media.
1.
The announcers will mention the weather 830,462
times. Drink!
2.
On the first real play*, Peyton Manning** will
throw a pass over Richard Sherman*** to Demaryius Thomas for a touchdown****.
This play will make everyone who hated Sherman’s post-game antics feel
justified, thus ending the whole stupid debate.
3.
Demaryius Thomas won’t catch another pass the
rest of the game*****.
4.
Somebody at your viewing party will confuse
Demaryius Thomas with Julius Thomas.
5.
The first time Marshawn Lynch touches the ball
he won’t score a touchdown.
6.
That’s because he’s going to run 99 yards,
lateral to Doug Ballwin, who will then lateral back to Marshawn for the
touchdown******.
7.
Every time Peyton Manning throws an incomplete
pass, the cameras will cut to Eli Manning drinking apple-tinis in some luxury
box. Drink!
8.
The puppies-to-babies ratio for all of the Super
Bowl commercials combined will be 7:2.
9.
The Seahawks will be called for a phantom
penalty. Drink!
10. The
total number of products advertised during the Super Bowl purchased by
Americans after watching said Super Bowl will be 84.
11. Bruno
Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers will lip sync the halftime show. Drink!
12. Morbid
fact: Is it bad that I’m glad that Nirvana will never play a Super Bowl
halftime show? It is, isn’t it? And sad. But kind of glad, right?
13. Fun
fact: Someone at your viewing party will be punched in the face after
mentioning Tim Tebow*******.
14. Actual
Fun Fact: Only Denver’s TE, Joel Dreesen (Colorado State), and Seattle’s WR,
Jermaine Kearse (Washington********), actually attended colleges in their
respective states.
15. Seattle
will be called for its 294th phantom penalty by the middle of the
third quarter.
16. Dennis
Miller will streak the field. Drink!
17. At
the two-minute warning in the fourth quarter, the game will be within 2. The
team with the ball will drive down the field and kick a field goal for the
“win”.
18. If
it’s the Seahawks, there will be a flag on the play and they will miss the
subsequent attempt.
19. If
it’s the Broncos and they make it: game over.
20. If
it’s the Broncos and they miss, there will be a flag on the play and they will
make the subsequent attempt.
21. Unless
Richard Sherman blocks it. At which point Erin Andrew’s head will explode.
*Kick-offs are a joke
**Eli Manning’s older, Super Bowl ring-deficient brother
***The second greatest show on turf
****Karma’s a bitch, Rich
*****You really think Sherman’s giving up 2 TDs?
******Showmanship
*******You know who you are
********Go Dawgs!
