Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit*.

Whilst watching some free quality programming, I saw a toilet paper commercial featuring a cheeky lady with an accent. Well, I thought it was for toilet paper; it was and it wasn't. The commercial was for the Cottonelle Care Routine--regular old toilet paper coupled with moist cleansing wipes. Something smelled.

Now I probably overuse the word reprehensible** on this site. You might even find my use of the word to be reprehensible. But that's what I feel about this strategy set forth by Cottonelle.

Why? Because it's attempting to create demand where there is none. Sure, some people out there might need to use moist cleansing wipes, but that's the operative word: need. No person with regular bowel movements, an adequate intake of fiber and who is generally in good health needs to use and flush another product, especially one laden with chemicals, into the water supply. One could make an argument that we as a society already use too much toilet paper as it is.

But I wanted to be sure I understood the commercial correctly, so I went to the product site. Crap.

Yes, this is a "routine". Also, there were a surprising number of reviews from "consumers". Like this erudite 5-star review.

Cottonelle's new combo care routine is the da bomb! I have always used Cottonelle toilet paper but had not tried it with the new wipes. The Cottonelle Fresh Care Flushable Cleansing Cloths are the perfect compliment to my Ultra Comfort Care toilet paper. I was happy that the wipes did not clog up my septic and I liked the sleek refillable dispenser because it did not take up much room.

Nice try, Marketing Executive. I love the first line--so casual. You even drop a "wipes" into the second line. That's cool. So why call the product out by its full name? And the specific name of toilet paper? Ultra Comfort Care is da bomb!

I know the general public. I love the general public. But they write like crap and can't spell for shit***. Here's the review as if a real person had written it.

Yer new combo thing is the da shit****! LOL. I <8 Cottonele toilet paper but had not tried it with the new wipes. I LOVE THEM!!!! SO GOOD. An they didnt clog up my turlet and the box fit on my shelf. PLEASE SEND ME FREE ONES!

Ah, much better. Feels almost ... refreshing.


*I don't usually swear on this blog, but the wordplay sums up my opinion aptly. 
**My review of Katy Perry's Roar being a prime example.
***Again, sorry. 
****Hey, it's true.