I get that I’m opening myself to all sorts of public
ridicule with this topic. I do. It’s like talking about how to fight and then
getting knocked out with the first punch.
That said, dear readers, some of you need a crash (course)
in the trash.
1. Figure out if you can take a joke. The golden rule is
that if you dish it out, you have to take it. No exceptions. If you can’t, stop
reading now.
2. Think of trash talk like a good practical joke—a lot of
thinking and planning goes into pulling it off, no one gets hurt, nothing gets
personal and everyone has a good laugh.
3. “Your mom” is not an acceptable retort. Some people take
it personally and, as a joke, it’s older than, well, your mom.
4. Start small. There’s no need to bring up the early 1990
Buffalo Bills out of the gate. Save that for when it really counts.
5. Remember that trash talk is a spectator sport. Be
creative with your comebacks. Work on your timing. Play to the crowd. Don’t
sign autographs—it’s too showy.
6. Familiarize
yourself with conventional joke structures. A classic is the old: Your
(mom/quarterback/taste in music) is so (old/fat/out of touch) that (her wedding
ring started as coal/linemen feel thin/it’s come back around).
7. Dive in. Try something out. Take your lumps. Learn from them. And one day, maybe,
just maybe, you’ll be lucky enough to get made fun of by me (see what I did
there?).
