Thursday, November 10, 2011

What it’s like to be bald.

Being bald is no longer the embarrassing affliction it once was*. Thanks to the tireless efforts of virile bald men, baldness is now on par with having a tattoo—you’re outside the mainstream, but pretty much everybody is doing it.

If you think you’re going bald and wonder if you should shave your head, do it. You won’t regret it.  It’s like pulling off a Band-Aid: the faster you do it, the more hair you rip out.

Now, full disclosure: I don’t straight razor; I use clippers with no guard. There are advantages to both. Using a razor will give you a closer shave, but it’s more time consuming and you run the risk of getting in-grown hairs (or so I’ve heard). Using clippers is easier, but the results aren’t for everyone. Whichever method you choose, you’ll have to shave at least twice a week, if not more.

And as the fine folks over at have established, “Tad is bald and susceptible to dents on his head”. This is the first thing you discover: every little scratch, bump, bruise, dent or zit is magnified tenfold. Bang your cranium plugging in a cord under your desk and it’s a week of “Greetings Gorbachev! How’s Russia?”**.

And that brings us to the second thing you learn: you’re going to need a lot of hats. In the summer, it’s baseball caps for sports, straw fedoras for lounging in the sun and even lightweight running hats for, well, running. In the fall and winter months, it’s a cavalcade of knit caps, toques, stocking caps and the like. The only time you don’t need a hat or cap is when you're swimming or showering.

Which is the best part of being bald: efficiency. Shampoo? Nope. Hair-dryer? Not in my house. Sleeping in until the last minute? Yes, please.

So the next time you find yourself calling someone “Cue ball”, remember that they are a real person with real feelings***. They just don’t have follicles on the top of their head.

*It’s called evolution. Get used to it.
**Proper response: Dos vedanya, Comrade!
***Wait, what? There’s a lesson here? My apologies, I did NOT see that coming.