Wednesday, November 9, 2011

What it’s like to grow a thick, luxurious beard.

Let’s face it: growing a beard isn’t for everyone. But READING about growing a beard IS! Especially when it’s my beard.

The decision to grow a beard is not one to be taken lightly. In fact, here’s a quick quiz to determine if you are ready for the awesome responsibility of fulltime beardsmanship.

1.     Are you a woman?
2.     Have you ever used the word “manscaping”?
3.     Will you look like a terrorist?
4.     If you had a beard, would you give it a name?
5.     Does food caught in the beard become the property of the beard owner?

If you answered any of the above questions, for any reason, then you may want to reconsider growing a beard.

For the rest of you, the first thing to know is that “growing” is not the same as “letting go”. Sure, every man can accumulate a few days’ growth without worry, but linger too long in the unkempt zone and you run the risk of unbearable itchiness. For the uninitiated, this itching kicks in after about a week, primarily in the dreaded “neck beard” area. So the best thing to do is to shave the neck and cheek areas regularly.

Most people assume that’s it. That whatever hair comes in at that point is a beard. Those people are wrong. A thick, luxurious beard takes one extra step—evening out. My hair grows faster on my right side than my left. If I just let it grow as is, it’d be an unruly mess before week’s end. So what to do? Buy a decent set of clippers, with guards, and trim—yes trim the beard—regularly so that all of the hair on your face is the same length.

Now, some of you may discover that your hair comes in at a different color, is patchy or just plain grotesque. That’s okay; just don’t dye it. But do try different styles. Have a bad moustache? Try the Abe Lincoln. Don’t like the sides? Turn your beard into a goatee with sideburns. Missing hair on one side of your face? Maybe a beard isn’t for you after all.

Thankfully, the only thing I have to worry about with my beard is how many lusty wenches** can run their fingers through it at once.

*Yes, I get that “beard” is a slang term for a person who acts as a cover for a closeted homosexual. But I’m guessing if you think that’s funny, you probably can’t grow a beard anyway.
**Sorry, sometimes the beard takes on a pirate dialect.