It seems like everyone does a gift-giving guide this time of year. The best gifts for octogenarians. What to get your co-workers. How to say, “thanks for checking me into rehab” for under $10. All of those guides are misguided*. This is the only guide—the definitive guide—you’ll need this holiday season. Why? Because I’m not going to give you a list of crap to purchase. I’m going to show you how to select a gift. And isn’t that the best gift of all?**
· Get them something they want. Sounds pretty simple, right? Yet studies*** show that 89% of gift recipients don’t get what they want, 43% of the time.
· Get them something expensive looking, but which was actually on sale. Oops, secret’s out, folks****.
· Give them something meaningful … to them. The better you know a person, the less you should have to spend on them. Uh, I mean that you won’t have to overcompensate trying to impress them. Jeez.
· Give them something that doubles as a passive aggressive attempt to change something about themselves. Examples include: Gym memberships, non-alcoholic beer, one-way tickets out of the country, gift cards to psychologists, etc.
· Give them an illness. Blankets for winter are great; small pox blankets for winter … hard to return.
*See what I did there? It’s called “wordplay”
***I’m sure there’s some study somewhere that backs this up
****Hope everyone likes their “Rolexes"