Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Call you, maybe?* Doubtful.

Dear Ms. Carly Rae Jepsen,

I will not be calling you. Not now. Not ever. Not maybe.

I thought by not calling you, you would get the message.

But clearly you’ve built up this fantasy version of me**. So to leave no doubt in your mind, here are the reasons why I will not be calling you.

1. “I sold my soul for a wish”. See? Right there. How can I be with someone who is so frivolous with their Judeo-Christian soul? What’s stopping you from selling my car for an ab-flexor at 3 a.m.?
2. “Pennies and dimes for a kiss.” First of all, that sounds like a monetary transaction involving a part of my body. I am not a prostitute. Also, that’s an insulting offer. 11-cents? Try a buck.
3. “Ripped jeans, skin was showin’”. They’re called “Jorts”, short for
“jean shorts”. Clearly, you are too young for me if you don’t remember fashions from the 80s. 
4. “It’s hard to look right at you baby.” Look, I get it: I need to join a gym. No need to avert your eyes though.
5. “I just met you, and this is crazy.” Let me stop you right there: it is and you are.
6. “… but here’s my number. Call me, maybe?” Was that meant to be rhetorical? Because it seems like you meant “call me, or I’m going to write a song about you in a passive aggressive attempt to get you to call me.”
7. “I beg, borrow and steal.” None of those things are attractive.
8. “All the other boys try to chase me.” Hmmm. Is it because you’re a tease who hands out her number wily-nily?
9. “Before you came into my life I missed you so bad.” Before you came into MY life, I enjoyed not having to fill out restraining orders***.

Leave me alone, maybe?
That Tad Guy

*Oh, you didn’t know this song was about me? Clearly it is.
**You’re only human
***So bad