Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Queue up for the Queen

Apparently the Queen of England is hosting a Diamond Jubilee this week. This important occasion is in celebration of her birthday, maybe? Or that she got selected to be an Olympic torchbearer, perhaps? Or that she bought a new boat and wanted to show it off, or something?

If it sounds like I don’t care, it’s because I don’t care. At all. 

But, apparently (again), this is all big news here in the United States of Not Great Britain*. And the fact that she stood for FOUR whole hours—in a row—is some sort of accomplishment worthy of a gold medal**.

Instead of why we should care***, I’m going to list the reasons why not.
1.     This is America. We fought a war because we didn’t want to worship a Monarch****.
2.     This is America. The Queen and her ancestors didn’t work to earn their wealth. We want our people with obscene wealth to have inherited it from a family member who did a lot of work at some point in the past.
3.     This is America. The economy is sinking, people are unemployed and we don’t really need any more reminders of the economic disparities that exist in the world.
4.     This is America. We are a youth obsessed culture. Give her a few Botox injections, a few implants and a makeover and then, and maybe then, will we talk*****.

*I do like your shows, Britain, but I’m not asking you to move in. Sheesh.
**Of which, of course, I would be the Champion of All Time—see: Standing vs. Sitting
***There are none
****I get that this is all very reductive—see: Fealty, non
*****Call me