Apparently the Queen of England is hosting a Diamond Jubilee
this week. This important occasion is in celebration of her birthday, maybe? Or
that she got selected to be an Olympic torchbearer, perhaps? Or that she bought
a new boat and wanted to show it off, or something?
If it sounds like I don’t care, it’s because I don’t care.
At all.
But, apparently (again), this is all big news here in the
United States of Not Great Britain*. And the fact that she stood for FOUR whole
hours—in a row—is some sort of accomplishment worthy of a gold medal**.
Instead of why we should care***, I’m going to list the
reasons why not.
1.
This is America. We fought a war because we
didn’t want to worship a Monarch****.
2.
This is America. The Queen and her ancestors
didn’t work to earn their wealth. We want our people with obscene wealth to
have inherited it from a family member who did a lot of work at some point in
the past.
3.
This is America. The economy is sinking, people
are unemployed and we don’t really need any more reminders of the economic
disparities that exist in the world.
4.
This is America. We are a youth obsessed
culture. Give her a few Botox injections, a few implants and a makeover and then,
and maybe then, will we talk*****.
*I do like your shows, Britain, but I’m not asking you to move
in. Sheesh.
**Of which, of course, I would be the Champion of All
Time—see: Standing vs. Sitting
***There are none
****I get that this is all very reductive—see: Fealty, non
*****Call me