Monday, July 23, 2012

Vice President of Job Titles

Right now, I have a job title that has nothing to do with my current responsibilities. Don’t get me wrong: my job is fine. It’s just that my title is a bit disingenuous at the moment. I am supposed to be a writer who mentors younger talent and runs projects of a certain size and scope. What rhymes with “scope”? Nope.

If I had to give myself a new title based on my daily tasks, I’d say “Last-minute Copy Surgeon” or “Concept Architect & Demolisher”. Words that are words individually but lose all meaning when strung together.

A friend of mine is just starting their career and was given a high-sounding title because they’ll be client facing. Their company felt they needed to project legitimacy beyond their years or experience. “Hi, I’d like to start this relationship off by lying to your face.”

My favorite title, which I see across all companies everywhere, is “Vice President”. How can you be a vice president when there are a hundred of you? The only acceptable answer is that they are actually presidents in charge of vices, like gambling or swearing. “Hi, I’m the President of Swearing and Doing Cocaine”.

Worse than the titles themselves are the job descriptions. Who doesn’t want a “proactive self-starter”? How about an “enthusiastic motivator with passion”? Anyone feeling a bit, I don’t know, “entrepreneurial” today?

I don’t know about you, but my day is just a complete waste of time if I haven’t found some “synergy” with my fellow “Vice Presidents”.